After a textual conversation with my sister,
<Kap> oh you have no idea
<Kap> week zero
<Kap> might as well go to church
<Kap> hey I like the piano in this song
<Kap> why is everyone crying?
<Kap> oh god my eyes are leaking
<StormAiyo> yeah
<StormAiyo> it was fine the first time i listened to it
<StormAiyo> and after that i started bawling
<Kap> in a strange sense
<Kap> I want to commision
<Kap> so I can walk home as a captain
<Kap> minus the whole capturing part
<StormAiyo> it came up on shuffle at work one time, and i jsut broke down crying in front of the entire bellarmine robotics team
<StormAiyo> if you come home as a captain, i will but you whatever car and computer you want
<StormAiyo> and say, “i am now happy as i ever will be”
<Kap> honey
<StormAiyo> just bag me up, i might pop with pride
<Kap> you don have the money for that
<StormAiyo> i’ll find it
<Kap> cause my deam comp costs just over 12k
<Kap> no joke
<StormAiyo> like i said, bag me up, i will pop with pride
<StormAiyo> even if you come home as a master sergeant, i will still be prouder of you than anything else in the world
<Kap> I think that this point
<Kap> I’m coming home with three stripes
<Kap> because in the end, I’m not cut out to be a soldier
<Kap> much as I may be ready to pull a trigger
<Kap> I am not ready to die
<StormAiyo> good
<StormAiyo> because i don’t know waht i’d do if you did
<Kap> I have…not “unfinished business”, but you get the idea
<StormAiyo> yeah
<StormAiyo> hug
<StormAiyo> i miss you a lot
The song in question is Letters From War. Yes our chat spelling is horrible. Anyway.
It is a strange feeling to realize one is changing. I don’t think a year ago I could kill another man. Definitely not a woman nor a child. I’m still [at present] not ready to die. The mindset just isn’t there. I can tell myself that I do not fear death, nor pain, but the survival instinct lingers. Only natural, as a human emotional response to imminent danger, but terribly inconvenient sometimes. At work we had a short discussion of whether you would want to know how you will die, or when. I think I’d want to know, not so as to do recklessly stupid things knowing that I will not die (there are worse things than death), but to diminish or remove that fear of death. I would not be surprised if the standard ‘fear of the unknown’ was psycologically similar or directly related to fear of death and dying.
Maybe soon I will expunge the fear of death. I do not know what is beyond that fear, what comes after. Is it that when we start to die? Not physically, but inside the mind and soul?
